Things Russia isn’t allowed to do
by tedyvirysa
Summary: Title says it all.I'm starting a contest of who can make the most hilarious fic about Russia breaking all those rules. For more info go to my profile page.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.

Things Russia isn't allowed to do:

1. I'm not allowed to say that the Baltics are my "Dream Girls"

-They are not girls.

-I'll scare them half to death.

2. I'm not allowed to send General Winter after Prussia.

3. I'm not allowed to bomb America with nuclear weapons.

-Even if I claim that the Easter bunny told me to.

4. I'm not allowed to send America any of my Siberian wolfs disguised as a fluffy toy.

-I shouldn't endanger the life of fellow nations.

-_**...for now.**_

5. I'm not allowed to wage war in the Middle East.

-...but I will anyway.

6. I'm not allowed to make Poland cross dress.

-He already does that.

7. I'm not allowed to bully any of the African countries.

-They are cute little kiddies and I should be their new big brother figure instead...KOLKOLKOLKOL.

8. I'm not allowed to give Sealand any weapons of mass distraction.

-The kid will probably use them against his brother.

9. I'm not allowed to maim, scare or emotionally hurt Belarus.

-...isn't it suppose to be the other way around?

10. I'm not allowed to help Hungary in beating up Prussia.

11. I'm not allowed to start declaring random peaces of land my own.

12. I'm not allowed to eat sugar.

-...I don't get it; I'm allowed to drink vodka and not allowed to eat sugar?

13. I'm not allowed to start wars with the Nordics.

14. I'm not allowed to spend more than two hours around Denmark.

-I'm a bad influence and may turn him into a sadist.

-He is a pervert and that is enough.

15. I'm not allowed to force anyone into becoming my friend.

-Even if I promise to hug and take care of them everyday.

-Friends are not pets and I should remember that.

16. I'm not allowed to make another USSR.

-Even if this time around I promise not to harm the members and give them an unlimited supply of candy.

17. I'm not allowed to break Busby's chair.

-England is using it for the noble cause of killing America and I should not stand in his way.

18. I'm not allowed to send the nations I don't like to Siberia.

-Because Siberia is a prison reserved for politicians.

19. I'm not allowed to say anything at all about the burning of Moscow and what happened after that in front of France.

-He is still depressed about it.

-...but I still say he had it coming.

20. I'm not allowed to stalk China.

-Even if no one knows it's me.

21. I'm not allowed to threaten anyone's vital regions with castration.

-That's a horrible thing to do.

22. I'm not allowed to sing creepy songs in creepy places.

- Especially if it's the "Jaws" team song.

-Especially if there is a nation nearby.

-If said nation is Belarus it will backfire...divine punishment sucks.

23. I'm not allowed to try to take Finland's vital regions.

-It didn't work the first time why should I try again?

-For such a cute guy he is very, how should I put it, Belarus-like.

24. I'm not allowed to say that the Cold War is still on.

-America may actually believe me.

25. I'm not allowed to say I'm from Mars just to claim it.

-Because I'm not.

-The Balkans had known my parents and will immediately disagree.

-...How old are they?

26. I'm not allowed to build a wall between the Middle East and the rest of the civilization.

-The countries there will kill each other out.

27. I'm not allowed to call Bulgaria a dinosaur.

-He holds some of my baby pictures hostage and will show them to the world if I do.

-Besides we are friends...I think?

28. I'm not allowed to call Netherlands a drug dealer.

-Its mean.

-I will be called an alcoholic.

29. I'm not allowed to chain Alfred and then throw him in a lake.

-It won't kill him anyway.

30. I'm not allowed to stalk England.

-But he is so cute.

-I'm still not allowed to do it.

31. I'm not allowed to claim every nation that has sunflowers.

32. I'm not allowed to say that I rule Hell.

-Because everyone will believe.

-Causing anyone to have nightmares is a bad thing to do..._**but entertaining, da?**_

33. I'm not allowed to plan anyone's death more than three times.

-But my lawyers are searching for a loophole for this rule so don't feel too save.

34. I'm not allowed to say that I am anyone's father.

-...I seriously don't want to know what the Balkan nations have to say for that statement.

35. I'm not allowed to give Sweden heart attacks by calling him papa.

36. I'm not allowed to watch a horror movie with America.

37. I'm not allowed to play Russian roulette with Alfred anymore.

-Or say why I'm not allowed to do so.

38. I'm not allowed to say that in Soviet Russia your maker is send to meet you.

-The other nations will wait for the Big Boss with lists of the things that they don't like about the planet.

-That will cause chaos.

-Chaos is a bad thing.

39. I'm not allowed to give anyone vodka.

-I don't want to anyway.

_-**Go near my precious vodka and I will kill you!**_

40. I'm not allowed to say that the other Slavs were born to be my friends.

-See rule 15 for the reason.

41. I'm not allowed say that I'm God.

-I'll be hit by a lightning, fallowed by a meteor rain and tornadoes and finally there will be a tsunami.

42. I'm not allowed to tell my scientists to make me a tornado producing machine.

- The Big Boss won't be happy.

43. I'm not allowed to claim that since I'm Orthodox I can do whatever I want.

-Or try to convert Catholics to Orthodox by saying that we have shiny churches.

44. I'm not allowed to speak about religion outside my territories.

45. I'm not allowed to call America's former president a monkey.

-He will call my former one a dictator.

-It will start a war.

46. I'm not allowed to start anymore wars.

-...And who is going to stop me, you?

47. I'm not allowed to lock Belarus and America in the same room.

-That's cruel.

48. I'm not allowed to say that the Baltics are my maids.

-That's not true.

-It will hurt their feelings.

49. I'm not allowed to maim the nations who hurt the Baltic's feelings.

-I'll just wait for everyone to leave the meeting room and then I will have a _**nice**_ little chat with the offenders in a truly _**peaceful **_manner.

50. I'm not allowed to tell two call jokes in an attempt to explain to Alfred how his former government worked.

-He won't understand me anyway.

-If he does understand it he will declare war.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.

Things Russia isn't allowed to do:

1. I'm not allowed to eat all of Alfred's ice cream

-But I'm allowed to help myself to a little bit.

2. I'm not allowed to recreate KGB.

-They were mean to others and being mean is bad.

3. I'm not allowed to send Belarus to Antarctica.

-The penguins don't deserve to be enslaved.

4. I'm not allowed to paint the Moon red.

-America will write "Coca-Cola" on the red paint.

5. I'm not allowed to say that a holiday called "Hug the Slavs" exists.

-Or a game with the same name.

-...but I want a hug.

6. I'm not allowed to say that squirrels are evil mutants and that their plan for revenge on humanity is:

"Crab overlords are coming, tremble puny humans; we will devour your rancid souls and use your spleens to line our burrows!"

7. I'm not allowed to claim that the walls of Constantinople are made of wallsium.

-Or from mashed potatoes Hun Khaganate refused to eat as little.

-Or that the Motto is "These walls shall never fall until someone gets cannons!"

-Or that the currency was: Solidus, Turkish Lira and Hashish.

8. I'm not allowed to make a kissing booth.

-But I'm allowed to make a hugging one!

9. I'm not allowed to give France any propaganda teddy bears.

10. Paganism is not accepted, but still I'm not allowed to say that: A Pagan is a person who makes sacrifices (lent and ramadan not included).

**-**Or that they chant about their food.

-Or that they believe that trees have spirits, such as Rum or Vodka.

-I'm not allowed to start cutting trees just to taste the last statement.

11. I'm not allowed to claim that Croatia thinks he is: Aryan, Goth, Iranian, Avar, Slav, Illyrian and who-knows-what-else, all at once, everything but Serb actually.

-Or that his religion is TV, followed by ritual coffee drinking and that the typical regional expressions are: "I-don't-feel-like-it" and "I-don't-want-to."

-Or that the motto is "We'll be in the EU in 2054 - 100 years before Serbia!"

12. I'm not allowed to remind Spain about that one time when his monks killed a roster for connections with the Devil after they had a trial to prove said connections.

-Because, sadly enough it did happened...those were dark times.

13. I'm not allowed to say that war is caused when one great nation posses a Mudkip and decides to make the mudkip fire its lazer. The mudkip screams "I'm a Firin' Mah LAZ0R!" very loudly, revealing the attack to the enemy. A mudkip will also pop out of your ass and scream in an Mr.T voice: "I'm a firin' my laser you're fighting a war right now." It's the result of high testosterone, and a primal necessity for all males. Like breathing and herding sheep. Lots of people grab weapons and start destroying each other, with guns and other big boom stuff. What's best is the people who you destroy never respawn. NEVER EVER! (Note of interest: Recent observations in conflict zones across Afghanistan, Georgia and Switzerland have been made of dead hadjis returning to live in the form of zombie pirates. While research still has to be done, armed forces across from various NATO countries have confirmed the horde's presence and say they seem to be led by a man known as Jebus.) War is a good thing...If war did not exist; the earth's population would exceed 14 billion people per country. War not only prevents overcrowding, but it also makes for great entertainment. Approximately 78.4% of all movies, TV programs, and songs are a direct result of war.

14. I'm not allowed to say anything about Yugoslavia.

-Or that her religion was "Brotherly love".

-Or that the population is divorced.

-Or that thearea is undiscovered.

-Or that the national animal is the Yugo...its actually supposed to be a car.

15. I'm not allowed to say that a Smurf Empire existed.

-America may believe me.

16. I'm not allowed to say anything about _Furries_.

-Even thou Furryism is a rare genetic mutation in which either a person comes to resemble an animal, believes they were once an animal, or thinks they are an animal-human hybrid. In the latter two cases, instances of dressing up to look more like their perceived animal or "fursuiting" have been observed, while in the first case, Fursuting is thought to have been observed mistakenly.

-You have been warned.

17. NATO does not stand for "North American Terrorist Organization" or "No Action, Talk Only" and "Not Another Trucker Orgasm" and I'm not allowed to continue claiming that it does.

18. I'm not allowed to use the excuse that I mistook the Baltics for ice cream anymore.

-I was never allowed to do so in the first place.

19**. **I'm not allowed to out snow nations.

-Or bury them alive in the snow.

20. I'm not allowed to create MMORPGs games.

-They are a brainwashing device, not as strong as television, but still effective and of course America had already taken all the MMORPGs games producing rights for himself.

21. I'm not allowed to say that English is a language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages and rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary, thereby making any form of any word completely and utterly possible.

22. I'm not allowed to say that in Soviet Russia cabbage ate people.

-...but it did.

23. I'm not allowed to "borrow" Alfred's favorite blankie and then paint it black.

24. I'm not allowed to have parties due to the amnesia that fallows after becoming one with most of the vodka on the party.

-A party made by a Balkan nation is strictly and only for them as no one else can drink that weird vodka-like substance they call rakia and worship like holly water.

25. I'm not allowed to smoke.

-According to Ukraine-neechan radiation is bad enough for me.

26. I'm not allowed to tell anyone I know the dictator Santa Claus personally and that his battle cry is "ho hic die"

-Santa is not a dictator.

27. I'm not allowed to say that I crated Kosovo via The Magical Vodka.

-Because I didn't.

28. I'm not allowed speak Pig Latin in front of Vatican City.

-Its insulting.

29. I'm not allowed to call cathedrals prisons.

-Even if they resemble them.

30. I'm not allowed to force the Baltics and Prussia to sing "Lady Marmalade" for me.

-I make no promises.

31. I'm not allowed to claim that the first cat was a cross between a sheep-like mother in law and an alligator.

-Especially in front of Greece.

32. I'm not allowed to claim that mothers in laws were the consequences of the raptor's desperate attempts to save their species.

33. I'm not allowed to even think about giving souls to volcano's and calling them "My scourges".

-Although they will make great pets.

34. I'm not allowed to compete with the other nations in a drinking contest.

-Too many nations have a hangover in the mornings and the taste of defeat can't really be washed away for the next two days at least...especially if we had drank vodka.

-This rule does not apply to Ireland or any of the Balkan nations.

35. I'm not allowed to tell Poland that Barbie dolls make an undefeatable army.

-He had already thought about the possibility.

36. I'm not allowed to endanger the life of a turtle by giving it to Japan.

-Or China.

37. I'm not allowed to say that in few years we will have to all become one so that we could scare the Global Warming away.

-That's not the real reason for why I want to become one with everyone and they know it.

38. I'm not allowed to strangle the fools that call me Mordor.

39. I'm not allowed to spend time with Prussia.

-Strapping him to a bed does not count as spending time with him.

40. I'm not allowed to sing the Soviet war songs when I want to scare someone.

41. I'm not allowed to say that my family is a bad one and then if someone asks me why I should ignore them, not make them life with my sisters for a day.

-That's incredibly inhuman of me.

42. I'm not allowed to say that tomatoes have a split personality and that the ones who think that they are vegetables are sadists while the ones who think that they are fruit are masochists.

-Because it makes no sense.

43. I'm not allowed to try dumping Belarus in a pool full of alligators.

-That's animal cruelty.

44. I'm not allowed to force Turkey into giving me some of his coast line.

-Even if its only so we could become friends.

-I will scare him half to death and that's not a good way to become somebody's friend.

45. I'm not allowed to say anything at all about lions in front of Denmark.

-Last year international safari had left permanent scars in his memory.

46. I'm not allowed to say that the Arabic nations are goblins that are trying to take over the world.

-They are not goblins but the second part is true.

47. I'm not allowed to say that I was able to create a cow with the intelligence of Einstein and the cold heartedness of a mother in law.

-It will cause panic.

-The nations will evacuate to Mars.

48. I'm not allowed to bring any bad news to anyone.

-My presence is bad news.

49. I'm not allowed say that Germany has agreed to come over to my house for a sleepover.

-Everyone will think I'm kidnapping him.

-A WW3 will start.

-...but Germany will look so much cuter after the sleepover, I had already prepared the pink dress!

-I'm still not allowed to do it.

50. I'm not allowed to ignore any of those rules.

-Because if I do I will be locked in a room with Belarus.

-...please don't do this to me.

Reviews are welcome, flames are not.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.

Things Russia isn't allowed to do:

1. I'm not allowed to throw a fit every time someone refuses to live with me.

-Why should I, they will all live with me eventually.

2. I'm not allowed to claim that wield polar bears had started poisoning the water supply.

-But they are evil and will strike back or the melting of the ice.

3. I'm not allowed to claim the existence of a humanoid civilization under England's sink.

-But there is one! It became independent after England cooked for the first time and gave the food to Germania; needless to say Germania is dead.

4. I'm not allowed to say that schools have the ability to produce zombies.

-But that's exactly what they do!

5. I'm not allowed to claim that snow was made out of the hearts of all those who refuse to give me sugar!

-I'm still not allowed to eat sugar.

6. I'm not allowed to claim that vodka is the one true holly water.

- The Balkan nations will claim the same about Rakia.

- A pointless argument will begin and I won't be welcomed by any of them for the summer.

7. I'm not allowed to say that poisonous snakes are actually Teddy bears in disguise in front of Jordan.

-He is not stupid.

8. I'm not allowed to make myself a sweeter out Prussia's birds.

-He likes them a lot and will be sad if I do so.

9. I'm not allowed to hug Moldova like a Teddy bear.

-Why not? He is absolutely adorable!

10. I'm not allowed to start another World War just because I had no hot chocolate for two hours.

-That's a childish thing to do.

11. I'm not allowed to use my army as a diversion against Belarus.

-Or to get more Teddy bears.

12. I'm not allowed to arrange play dates between my polar bear and Canada's.

- Even thou their combined cuteness is the most adorable thing ever.

13. I'm not allowed to say that dolphins are a cross between radioactive octopods and dinosaurs.

14. I'm not allowed to torture the fools that take my scarf away.

-But I will scare them for life!

15. I'm not allowed to say that conquering other nations is the friendliest thing to do in front of the younger nations.

- It may backfire.

16. I'm not allowed to call Germany's attempts to finance the entire EU "guilty conscience".

17. I'm not allowed to torture the other nations by doing nothing.

- Using their paranoia against them will work, but will also cause panic.

18. I'm not allowed to say that the Baltic's ancestors were cute bunnies.

-Why not? The Baltics are cute.

-I'm still not allowed to do it.

19. I'm not allowed to spy on Alfred.

-But I'm still gonna!

20. I'm not allowed to have a pool full of piranhas.

-…they are creepier than me.

21. I'm not allowed to say that all the mountains were created when Germania punched Roman Empire for mistaking him for a girl.

-That's not exactly how it happened, but it's pretty close to the truth.

22. I'm not allowed to say that bats are the cousins of Romania's most cherished national hero: Count Dracula I The shiny.

-Romania won't be amused.

23. I'm not allowed to say famous Soviet stuff such as: "You are all going to become one with me or I will send you to Siberia!"

-Or: "I will give you to the bunny from Monty Python if you don't hug me!"

24. I'm not allowed to use the special information that KGB collected to embarrass other nations.

-They have information on me too.

25. I'm not allowed to play Russian roulette with the other nations by mixing up England's food with the other snacks.

-It will backfire.

26. I'm not allowed to make up fairy tales and then make the other nations play them out.

-My fairy tales are…_slightly_ more disturbing than normal ones.

27. I'm not allowed to start any reality shows such as survivor.

-No one will survive in Siberia.

28. I'm not allowed to make anyone wear a dress against their will.

- Even if they would look cute.

29. I'm not allowed to suggest that Alfred should be renamed Americous Blondious.

-Insulting people is bad…then how come he has the right to call me Russious Creepious I The Horriblious then?

30. I'm not allowed to eat chili before bedtime.

-It makes me sleepwalk and dress other nations in cute costumes.

Ideas are wanted, reviews are welcomed, flames are not.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.

Things Russia isn't allowed to do:

1. I'm not allowed to say that an argument may be true or false but the premises of said argument will be "poisonous from the land of truth" and "idiotic from unicorn land" respectively.

2. The color purple has nothing to do with the strange puddle in front of Denmark's room and I'm not allowed to continue claiming that it does.

-Besides that it was quite the strange thing; it moved, had a gun and was wearing a ninja outfit…poor Denmark has the most dangerous fan girls of all.

3. I'm not allowed to claim that Prussia and Canada will marry and have an army of flying, prancing spider pigs that can't fly because the Teletubies ate their wings.

-The evil hell spawns come to those who mention them; according to England it is quite the painful encounter.

4. I'm not allowed to serve England's food in my prisons.

-Even thou the prisoners will die out.

-It's too cruel.

5. I'm not allowed to say that swans and France have the vanity factor in common.

-I could name few other things but they will freak you for life.

6. I'm not allowed to wear a T-shirt with "Hug me or else I will send my zombie army after you!"

-I don't have a zombie army, England does.

7. I'm not allowed to hijack a plane, fill it with crates with killer ants in them and then send it to Alfred.

-_**…Try and stop me.**_

8. I'm not allowed to tie a bunch of seagulls and then use them as a boomerang.

-Especially if I'm going to use that boomerang to bully Prussia.

-Or to annoy Germany.

9. I'm not allowed to dress Germany up as a belly dancer.

-Or a ballerina.

-It was…quite the disturbing sigh.

10. I'm not allowed to make a garden using the other nations as the flowers.

-But they look so cute in flower costumes!

-I'm still not allowed to do it.

11. I'm not allowed to say that the cake England brought for my birthday party smelled like horse poop.

-Its impolite thing to say.

-…you never really know what it is if it had crawled out England's kitchen.

12. I'm not allowed to use perfumes just so Belarus could lose her ability to track me by sent.

-She will find a way.

13. I'm not allowed to give anyone my coat.

-It, as everything else I own, has a mind of its own and is dangerous to others.

14. Polar bears do not plot the demise of the superior penguin civilization and I'm not allowed to continue claiming that they do.

-Then how are you going to explain the battle of penguins in ninja outfits and polar bears in tanks, huh?

15. I'm not allowed to start a mass hunt for were-rabbits.

-Claiming that Alfred is one is mean of me.

16. I'm not allowed to listen to St. Petersburg when he claims that from abroad only good and useful things come to me.  
-The same Peter the Great brought me tobacco.

17. I'm not allowed to remind of Prussia about his unsuccessful matchmaking for me in the 13th century, Battle on the Ice and Alexander Nevsky.  
- In the end he is not to blame that the Pope got fooled into thinking of me and Finland as girls, when he blessed that marriage and the marriage of my fathe… Sweden and Tino.

-That pope was quite old and a little bit insane…he had conversations with the Teletubies.

18. I'm not allowed to rely on the great "Maybe". It does not replace the parachute, for example.

-Snow doesn't do the trick either.  
-This rule is constantly violated more than 1000 years.

19. I'm not allowed to tell Lithuania and Poland that the first and second "partition" of Poland is only the return of the Russian lands, which were taken by Lithuania's hands, when I was weak due to the Mongol invasion and fragmented.  
- They can remind me that Kazan, the Crimea, Astrakhan, Ural and Siberia used to belong to the Golden Horde, the dead son of Mongolia.  
- I don't care! He broke my life! This is just compensation.

20. I'm not allowed to argue with my sisters and other Slavs about which one of us invented the Slavonic cuisine.

-Bulgaria, as the oldest, will interfere.

-Every time he does something goes wrong or a nation dies.

-…Attila knew what he was doing when he cursed him.

_**Reviews are welcomed, flames are not.**_


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.

Things Russia isn't allowed to do:

1. I'm not allowed to sink ships by putting too many kittens in them.

-Greece will save the cats.

2. I'm not allowed to take over Hell.

-Rumor has it that Roman Empire already did that and well it will be quite dangerous anyway so I'm better off as I am now.

3. I'm not allowed to wear a mask and then go to the anniversary of Germania's death.

-Germany may think I am the grim reaper, silly of him, da?

4. I'm not allowed to make Italy seat throe a chemistry class.

-Especially if said class is being thought by a true mad scientist.

5. I'm not allowed to take responsibility for Hiroshima.

-It was America's fault.

6. I'm not allowed to throw Sweden in my "Happy payback time" pit just because he wasn't a good father.

7. I'm not allowed to call China a shiny bunny.

-He gets creped out.

8. I'm not allowed to imitate Korea.

9. I'm not allowed to say that England's siblings were kicked from Mars a long time ago.

10. I'm not allowed to speak with dolphins.

-Especially if I'm going to use them against America.

-My scientists used up so much time for the creation of a dolphin translator and now it's useless!

11. I'm not allowed to give ski lessons.

-Why not? America survived!

12. I'm not allowed to threaten America's hamburgers.

-He will become extremely violent.

13. I'm not allowed to endanger life on Earth.

-Why would I do that anyway, I will need something to rule over, da?

14. I'm not allowed to hug England and then say I'm his child.

-He will get a heart attack.

15. I'm not allowed to claim Estonia's inventions as my own.

-I can invent my own stuff, thank you very much.

16. I'm not allowed to talk the other nations into going with me on a mammoth searching trip and then trap them in my house so we could be friends forever.

17. I'm not allowed to rap during my speeches.

-Even if it's only so the other nations will pay attention to what I say.

18. I'm not allowed to wear contact lens that will make it seem like my eyes are in a constant puppy-dog eyes mode.

19. I'm not allowed to put pink ribbons in Lithuania's hair.

-But he looks so cute with them!

-I'm still not allowed to do it.

20. I'm not allowed to get Germany's special rubber ducky which he engineered to be able to faith of France's perverted advances and babysit Italy.

-He needs it more than I do.

_**Reviews are welcomed, flames are not.**_


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